i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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