Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
