Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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