i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
