A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
