My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
