I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
