if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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