I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
