My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
