She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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