I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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