im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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