my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
