just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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