Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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