you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
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Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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