So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
