she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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