I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
