Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
