woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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