I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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