It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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