I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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