Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
