Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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