I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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