at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
