We got so high we made milksteak
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
