Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
