And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
