You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
