Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
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Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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