I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector