The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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