if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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