proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You are a genius and a whore.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
