I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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