Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
