remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she looked like the before picture.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
