you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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