I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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