I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
