I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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