You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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