If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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