you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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