I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
