did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
