this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
