Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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