I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
