batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
