I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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