Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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