the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
