He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"