It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.