There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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