There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
