I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
