Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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