She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
